Emotional Regulation
Teaching emotional regulation to a neurodivergent child in a neuro-affirming way involves recognising, validating, and working with their unique emotional experiences, rather than trying to force them to fit neurotypical standards. Neuro-affirming emotional regulation focuses on respecting the child’s natural emotional responses, providing them with tools and strategies that are aligned with their individual needs, and creating a supportive environment where they can learn to manage and express their emotions in healthy ways.
Here’s an expanded, neuro-affirming approach to teaching emotional regulation:
1. Understanding Emotional Differences in Neurodivergent Children
Neurodivergent children often experience emotions differently from neurotypical children. They may feel emotions more intensely, struggle to identify or express them, or take longer to process emotional experiences. Emotional regulation isn't about eliminating these differences, but about supporting the child in understanding and managing their emotions in a way that works for them.
Validate emotional experiences: It’s important to acknowledge that neurodivergent children’s emotions are valid and real. Whether they’re feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or joyful, it’s essential to communicate that their feelings are legitimate, no matter how they express them.
Avoid pathologising emotional responses: Rather than labelling certain emotions or behaviours as "inappropriate" or "bad," focus on understanding what the child is trying to communicate. Many neurodivergent children express emotions differently, and behaviours that may seem disruptive or unusual could be their way of coping with overwhelming feelings or stimuli.
2. Build Emotional Awareness and Vocabulary
A foundational step in teaching emotional regulation is helping the child develop emotional awareness—understanding what they’re feeling and why. For many neurodivergent children, identifying and labelling emotions can be challenging. A neuro-affirming approach involves creating a supportive space to explore these feelings without pressure or judgment.
Use visual aids: Many neurodivergent children benefit from visual supports to help them identify and understand their emotions. Tools like "emotions charts" with pictures of different faces or emojis representing various emotions can help the child match their feelings to an image.
Teach body cues: Help the child recognise physical signs of emotions. For example, "When your heart beats fast, you might be feeling nervous or excited," or "When your hands are clenched, you could be angry or scared." Linking emotions to bodily sensations helps the child build emotional self-awareness.
Use concrete language: Instead of abstract terms, use simple, direct language to explain emotions. For example, “You might feel ‘mad’ when something is unfair,” or “You might feel ‘happy’ when you do something fun.”
Expand their emotional vocabulary: As the child grows more comfortable, introduce more nuanced emotions like “frustrated,” “excited,” or “disappointed.” This helps the child differentiate between similar emotions and better understand their experiences.
3. Co-Regulation Before Self-Regulation
Emotional regulation often begins with co-regulation, where an adult or caregiver helps the child manage their emotions. Neuro-affirming approaches recognise that neurodivergent children may need more time and support in learning how to regulate emotions, and that co-regulation is an essential step.
Provide a calm, supportive presence: When a neurodivergent child is overwhelmed, they may need help from a calm, attuned adult to regulate their emotions. Offering a soothing voice, physical comfort (if welcomed), or a quiet space to calm down can help the child feel grounded and safe.
Model emotional regulation: Children learn emotional regulation by watching the adults around them. Model healthy emotional regulation by calmly expressing your own emotions and demonstrating coping strategies. For example, say out loud, “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath to calm down.”
Offer empathy and validation: When a child is dysregulated, showing empathy for their feelings can help them feel understood. For example, “I can see you might be feeling really upset right now, and that’s okay. I’m here to help you.”
Co-regulation provides the foundation for self-regulation, allowing the child to eventually internalise these strategies and apply them independently.
4. Offer Sensory Tools for Emotional Regulation
Many neurodivergent children have sensory processing differences, and their emotional states are closely tied to their sensory experiences. Offering sensory tools is a neuro-affirming way to help the child regulate their emotions through sensory input, which can calm or energise them depending on their needs.
Sensory breaks: Allow the child to take sensory breaks when they’re feeling overwhelmed. Sensory tools like weighted blankets, fidget toys, noise-cancelling headphones, or a quiet space can help the child regain emotional balance.
Movement and body regulation: Some children regulate emotions through movement. Activities like swinging, jumping on a trampoline, or doing heavy work (like pushing or pulling) can provide calming proprioceptive input and help release built-up emotional energy.
Soothing sensory inputs: For children who are overwhelmed, calming sensory tools like soft textures, calming music, dim lighting, or gentle rocking can help them self-soothe and regulate their emotions.
Sensory tools are not just “extras” but integral to emotional regulation for many neurodivergent children. Providing access to these tools is a way to respect their sensory needs and help them manage their emotions in a neuro-affirming way.
5. Teach Emotional Regulation Strategies
Once the child has developed emotional awareness and can identify their feelings, you can begin introducing specific strategies for regulating their emotions. These strategies should be personalised to the child’s sensory and emotional needs, respecting their unique ways of processing the world.
Deep breathing exercises: Simple breathing exercises can be incredibly effective for calming the nervous system. You might teach the child to take deep breaths by blowing bubbles, pretending to blow up a balloon, or using a “breathing buddy” (like a stuffed animal placed on their belly) to visually show how their breath moves in and out.
Progressive muscle relaxation: This technique involves tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups in the body, helping to release physical tension tied to emotional stress. You can turn it into a game, asking the child to pretend they are squeezing lemons or tightening like a robot and then relaxing like a ragdoll.
Mindfulness and grounding techniques: Mindfulness activities like focusing on the five senses (e.g., “What can you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell right now?”) can help the child stay present and grounded when they’re feeling overwhelmed. These techniques are particularly useful for children who struggle with anxiety or sensory overload.
Visual or tactile calming strategies: Provide access to visual timers, calming sensory bottles (filled with glitter or water), or textured objects the child can touch when they need to focus and calm themselves.
It’s important to recognise that no single strategy works for every child. A neuro-affirming approach allows the child to explore different methods and choose what feels right for them.
6. Create Predictable Routines to Support Emotional Regulation
Routines provide a sense of predictability and safety for many neurodivergent children. When emotions can feel intense or overwhelming, knowing what to expect in their environment can help them feel more secure and less anxious.
Daily structure: Build emotional regulation activities into the child’s daily routine, such as starting the morning with a calming activity or having a quiet time before bed. These routines create consistent touchpoints where the child can practice emotional regulation throughout the day.
Visual schedules: For children who benefit from visual cues, using a visual schedule can help them anticipate what’s coming next, reducing anxiety and emotional overload. Include break times or moments for self-regulation as part of the routine.
Prepare for transitions: Transitions between activities can be particularly stressful for neurodivergent children. Use transition strategies, such as giving advance warnings (“In five minutes, we’ll clean up and move to snack time”), using a visual timer, or offering a sensory tool during transitions to ease the emotional shift.
7. Respect the Child’s Emotional Boundaries
A neuro-affirming approach to emotional regulation means respecting the child’s emotional boundaries and recognising that not all emotions need to be regulated in the same way. Sometimes, the child may need space to experience and express their emotions fully without being rushed to calm down or “move on.”
Allow space for big emotions: It’s okay for children to have big emotional reactions. Rather than rushing to stop a meltdown, let the child experience their emotions in a safe environment. Offer comfort and validation but avoid pushing them to regulate before they’re ready.
Create a safe emotional environment: Provide a space where the child can retreat when they’re feeling overwhelmed, whether that’s a quiet corner in the classroom, a cozy sensory room at home, or simply offering them the option to step away from a stressful situation.
Avoid punitive measures: Neuro-affirming emotional regulation recognises that emotional outbursts, meltdowns, or shutdowns are not misbehaviour but expressions of overwhelm or distress. Avoid punitive measures like time-outs, which may increase feelings of shame or anxiety. Instead, focus on creating a supportive, understanding environment.
8. Celebrate Emotional Diversity
Finally, teaching emotional regulation in a neuro-affirming way involves celebrating the child’s emotional diversity and unique ways of experiencing the world. Emotional regulation isn’t about making neurodivergent children conform to neurotypical standards of emotional expression but about empowering them to navigate their emotions in ways that work for them.